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~with a blatant nod to Al DiMeola

Tina

introspective

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August 30th, 2011

hi

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been away a long time. . . . . .hello my lovelies. . .

April 14th, 2008

life's what you make it

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a ranting self-absorbed, poor-me ode to selective self misery. . . . .ohmmmmm. . . . .i am very far from both grace and reality, i shall kick myself in the ass shortly.

i left a 14 year relationship last year. it was the hardest thing i ever did. sometimes i think i will never get over it. sometimes i think that the pain i feel prevents me from being happy because how can i be happy when someone i love is hurting because of me. A and i lived day to day so very well, we had humor, respect, compassion, nurturing, love, more than most people have. the only thing missing was passion, lust, intimacy. now i have given everything up to stop him hurting, everything i did or didn't do was causing him pain and stress, and i was in no better shape. i did the only thing i could. i left and part of me was ripped out.

now i am with N. there was such promise there in the beginning, and over the past year i find myself in a different situation. no one he has been with ever took the time to really know him, because he keeps everything inside. he still does. all he wanted was someone who cared enough to know him. it is the human condition, to be validated. while i don't have rose coloured glasses anymore, and i realize that the first few month are not something to base a life routine on, i expected more than what i have. the disparity between male and female cognitive processes becoming stereotypically evident to me. i want to communicate frequently, connect at a deep level emotionally and physically, he's happy just having someone to come home to and sleep next to. i understand that, i really do, but i chose to give up everything i have known for the complete package that i needed, and i feel i wound up with far less than what i had before with A. it's all perception, right. i have no one to blame but myself, i make my own life.

daily i think that maybe i am not destined for what i need, passion, romance, seduction, lust, intensity, connection, happiness. i try everything i can think of, everything i tried early on with A. the only conclusion that glares me in the face is that i am the common denominator, it must just be me. something about me makes people complacent and comfortable but not sensual/sexual. ironic really, because in my 20's i was so open, vital. yet i wind up with wonderful people who aren't sexual/sensual. i used to overwhelm my partners with my intensity, now i seem to be in a similar state as my last relationship. . . . .intimacy has gone from a few times a week in the very beginning, to 2-4 times a month, and if it follows my last relationship, it will be once a year soon. fucking hell, it has to just be me. i make a very nice, well-appointed, clean, comfortable home, i cook, clean, do the finances, do dishes and laundry. . . i am the perfect 'housewife'. . . .and there's the rub. . . . i am not the 'wife' of the house, i am the lover and companion of the one in it. . . . .even the name sets the tone for so many relationships. all anyone needs to do is to come home to me and breathe and be happy and spend time with me. A used to watch tv and work on his computer. N does the same and adds his hobbies to that. when is my time. he's always tired, and when he's not, he's working on his hobbies. occasionally he gets around to me when he feels like it, around 10:30 at night, twice a month. my motto is: ASK for what you need. so i do, and i get disinterested looks and a 'maybe' most of the time, or an 'i'm sorry, i'm kind of tired, we'll see how the day goes.' and it usually takes a few days for him to get around to me. . . .so i just stopped asking. i have tried sending him im's on occasion, provocative, like we used to. . . .and i get 'that's nice' when he remembers to respond. i send him seductive texts to his phone occasionally, and he usually forgets to respond, or respond with 'that's nice'. i have emailed him basically a succinct primer on what i need, why i need it, women's cognitive process, everything, all the answers since he doesn't seem to be interested in talking to me about deep matters. . . . . .i thought he didn't get the email. . . . he never commented on it until i finally asked a few weeks after i sent it. he did get it and read it, but nothing had changed. most notably i said i needed 30 to 60 minutes a night, after he wound down from work, to just connect and share about our day, without the tv on or computers open. to talk about me, him, us. . .i explained that women are all about the emotional connection and the way to that is verbal communication to start. all i got was more silence. he has alot going on in his head, but he doesn't tell me in ways that i can understand. women need romance, seduction, the fostering of that spark of desire. we don't need to be physically intimate all the time, but what we do need is to know we are desired passionately in little looks, comments, touches. . . . .that is what keeps the flame ignited. but all i get back when i, rather frequently-once a day at least, tell him he is beautiful, sexy, lovely, etc. . . .he says 'thank you' like i just gave him a cup of coffee. . . .i feel nothing from him that is seductive, passionate, lustful, or intimate anymore, and it leads me to think that i was in a fog of a new relationship in the beginning and was deluded in my perception, as i had been in the start of my relationship with A.

i live most of the time in silence now, i would rather not try to talk and get a bland banal response when i am trying to be seductive or intimate. i don't ask for intimacy anymore because he feels pressure to perform. i made him sensual coupons for valentine's day, it was really hard for me to do that because the disappointment i feel drives me to near inertia. but i did it, everything from dinner, movie, massage, to striptease, taking control, giving control and tantric experiences and even a wild card for anything he could ever think of. has he used even one in 2 months. no, i am thinking about just throwing them out. i am a housekeeper and a cook and a companion, i am not a lover, and barely a woman, merely a someone waiting for him to have me scratch his occasional itch. but every night i still look in the bedroom hoping to find one of the coupons on my pillow, the definition of insanity. . . .

it sounds mean, it's not, but really it is my perception. . . . .i ask for intimacy, i don't get. i just have to wait until he remembers about me in a week or two and take whatever he feels like giving at 10:30 at night when he is done with his hobbies. i feel like an afterthought and a nuisance when i ask, verge on begging, for what i need every now and then. i feel like an inconsequential failure.

life's what you make it, and apparently i choose to be sad, lonely, and miserable. i am pathetic and weak and a shadow of me right now.

namaste

March 14th, 2008

tempus fugit

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so much has happened in the past year, where to begin, what to reveal. in time i will begin writing again. but not today. to those who still subscribe, namaste.

March 21st, 2007

solace

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A is having a major problem with my new relationship. . . . . . . .i'd never expected to find someone just for me. . . . . .and perhaps A never thought i would either. . .. nothing that would last. . . .and definitely nothing like i found in N. . . . . . .
we (A and i) have had 14+ years together, the honeymoon was over in the first 3-6 months and the next 7 years was me trying to reconcile my own needs and desires and was tumultuous. . . .but we made it through. . . . . .with a common acceptance that though our relationship was not based on sex or intimacy at all, that we still had a very strong bond and love together. . . . . . .and that in order for me to stay, my need for intimacy must be met and that we would have a conservative open relationship, for both of us, if he ever found someone to meet any of his needs. . . . he was free to pursue as well. . . . .

fast forward to now. . . . . .

my 43rd birthday on the 10th was both the best and worst i have ever had. . . . . . as soon as i was out of the house for an overnight the night before my birthday, i went to help N pack, A invaded my personal privacy and read the chatlogs i had been keeping to process between N and myself.. . . . . i knew he did it though i was in another town. . . . . just something in the back of my mind told me that was what he had done. . . . .which he confirmed when he got back home in the evening on my birthday. . . . . what made it the best was N had scheduled an hour at the hot tubs in Palo Alto, and had kept me company waiting on A to come home. . . . .

i told N a week later about the breach in privacy. . . . .he was stunned and felt violated as well. . . . . .i waited to try to process it all myself and tell him when i hot a hold of it myself, but i told him a week later as that seemed to be all the time i had to process before A had another meltdown. . . . . i was going to go back and reread the logs and set my own head right about it all as it was such a surprise to me to still be able to feel this way and to find someone who wanted me. . . . .now, IF i go back and reread them. . . . it will be through the filter of A reading them and hurting. . . . .the logs were varried and marked different days and 14+ years of self doubt, longing for someone who didn't want me, or at least couldn't really show it. . . . . . venting, anger, love for A. . . . . .and getting to know N's deeper thoughts on life, and eventually on me, and me on him. . . . . . intimacy. . . . . .something just for me. . . .someone who was interested in making time for me, making space for me, focused on me. . . . . . and allowed and accepted me to do the same for him with no sheen of inadequacy or melancholy about it. . . . open and free and joyous. . . . . .

i have always said that to expect one person to fulfill all of your needs is a fallacy. . . . . .i get different needs met by each of them, extremely well. . . . . .one not more valid than the other. . . . . . but i don't like to compare. . . . . .A can only compare. . . . . .it is his logical nature. . . . . .i told him that the things i have said in the chat specifically about him, in anger, frustration and love, were things i have been telling him for the past 14+ years. . . . he just couldn't/wouldn't hear me. . . . . . he gets angry at me when i cry, he feels like shit because he knew i was so damn lonely all these years, but didn't seem to give me credit for choosing to stay through it all. . . because he is worth it, and i have done a tremendous amount of work on myself all these years, to allow me to stay and love him like i do, and like i intend to do for the rest of my life. . . . . .but he stopped on a plateau. . . . .coasted on it because i made it so easy by stuffing my needs down (and, on occasion making terrible short-lived choices at finding what i thought i needed). . . . .but i made it easy, comfortable for him. . . . because i love him. . . . and if that was the most growth he could do, then who was i to say that he should do more. . . . . . until now. . . .

i am basically the same woman who has been sleeping naked next to him for 14 years. . . . .with an ocean of bed between us. . . . . .loving and desiring him all this time untill i finally resolved in myself years ago that intimacy would not be part of our relationship, and that i loved him enough that i could accept that peacefully, and that he is so worth it to me. . . . . .and that i would just look for someone to nurture me the way i needed it. . . . .a lover, a subbie. . . .whatever. . . . .though i don't necessarily think he gave me lip service in agreeing. . . .i think that the actuality of me finding someone whom i feel so strongly about was something he was not prepared for. . . . . .and neither was i really. . . but i said from the start with N that we will be what we will be. . . . that i don't want to predefine anything because it limits one's self, and i do not wish to limit myself or another anymore. . . . . .

and now, with the major privacy breach, him (a) flirting with me, wanting me sexually insistantly. . . . . . i am flattered. . . . .was garnering slow interest in him myself that i thought was shut down completely, for survival. . . . . . . .then he violated my mind. . . . . .and still pushes the intimacy. . . . . i said i needed time to process all that had happened, that trust on both sides needs to be gained before anything substantial can happen intimately. . . . . . .and he is impatient. . . . . it's only been 10 days since he read my private thoughts. . . . . .and now he has pragmatically cancelled the wedding. . . .set things in motion before he even spoke to me. . . . . .the decision was already made. . . . . .

we spoke this morning for a few hours as is wont with him lately. . . . .it's good he finally wants to communicate, and i want him to. . . . . .it is just a bit overwhelming as i am still spinning from the past 6 weeks. . . . .i have precious little time to process anything with working 8 hours in a day and then having long charged conversations at every possible free day. . . . . . but again, i am glad he is finally communicating after all these years. . . . . .i will sort myself out when i can. . . . .he is impatient and i need him not to be and he needs immediacy. . . . . .when pressed, his knee-jerk answer is 'no'. . . . mine is 'yes' because i know there are variables that i do not know and always want to leave the possibility open that i am mistaken. . . . .that i have faith in people and their capacity to grow and love. . . . . we are opposites he and i. . . . . and i think that is why we have worked so well together. . . . . .but those things in me that perhaps drew him to me are now those that frustrate him as well. . . . . . .

he only wants me when someone else does. . . . . . he can only see my value in N's eyes. . . . .he can't see 'me'. . . .and i hope some day soon he will be able to. . . . . .because i have seen him clearly for a very long time and have loved and cherished him all this time. . . . knowing i was not really heard or seen back. . . . .

i am tired. . . . .and actually am surprised that i am posting to any kind of a journal at all. . . . . .after the violation, my reaction was to pull in completely, because if i keep everything in my head, how can it ever be violated. . . . . .but. . . . .here i am posting again. . . .and he was invited to always read this journal when i created it years ago. . . . .which he has been rereading over the past few days. . . .and realizing perhaps, that what he violated in reading a private journal was actually mostly stated in this journal over the years. . . . . .

i am tired. . . . .i am happy, i am sad, i am angry, i am frustrated, i am infuriated. . . . . .but i am still me. . . . . .and i just want him to be blissfully happy, or as happy as he is capable of, and i would prefer it to be with me as i am, with the life i have right now. . . . . . . .we are so damn good together. . . . . .

i am tired and there is more to write. . . . . .soon i will do another core dump. . . . . for now i am just seeking solace from all of this. . . . just some small place just for me to breathe in. . . .

February 13th, 2007

planned parenthood

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to allay any fears before we really start, we decided to both get tested for the full HIV/STD panel. . . . . .

he picked me up today for lunch and we went down to planned parenthood walk-in clinic. . . . . they sais it would be about an hour. . . . . . . a relatively easy lunchtime excursion. . . . . .

we walk in and are greeted by a sea of faces, mostly twentysomethings, a few crying children, and some confusing direction on where to stand and what to fill out. . . . . . .the crying children being enough to scare the hell out of the young women and men waiting for their appointments. . . . .

we did the prereq paperwork and proceeded to wait our hour. . . . . .about 2 hours later and some casual conversation about the possibility of children in the future and how we feel about it, and watching the young mothers there with their children, we were finally getting close. . . . . . .

sure, children aren't always idyllic, but perhaps i am a different kind of person, as is N. . . . but we looked on at the dynamics of the mothers and children. . . . . . .i confess i just wanted to grab one up and cuddle them. . . . . .but just looking on, some mothers had true affection for their infants. . . .others blatantly ignoring them. . . . . . .admittedly, being in my economic level, which was far above nearly everyone there, and being in a completely different stage in my life. . . . . i was able to look across the faces and tell those in distinct need. . .. perhaps a college date gone wrong. . . . . .a sick child, general malaise. . . . . . .and i felt for them all. . . . .wanting to tell them that this too shall pass. . . . . just be wise and listen to yourself. . . . . .a lesson that needs to be learned individually. . . .

2 hours, N was finally called in, i was soon to follow. . . . . .

in with the professional healthcare worker, i was asked why i wanted the full screening, was i showing symptoms, no. . . . . .my answer both surprised her and tickled her. . . . . . .because i was about to embark on a relationship and we both had agreed to set any doubt aside from the beginning. . . . . . .then she looked at my age and realised that i was not a college student. . . . . .but a 42 year old woman taking responsibility for my health and my lover's health ans piece of mind. . . . . she smiled alot. . . .

blood pressure weight, urine sample. . . . . . on to the next round. . . . . .getting birth control and a blood draw. . . .

naked from the waist down and waiting for the generous portion of KY and prodding. . . . . . i sat and waited for the NP. . . . .

in she comes, tired from her day already. . . . . she also asked about my intent for being there and reason for the full panel of testing. . . . . .i told her and she was all smiles. . . . . .she looked at the form and realised that i was being fitted for a diaphragm. . . . . . .she looked surprised and realised my age and had a knowing smile. . . . . .sayint that only rarely does she ever perscribe this means. . . . . . i laughed, said i must be dating myself. . . . . .and asked her what most young women use nowadays. . . . . . aside from a condom, which greatly inhibits N's pleasure, she said the patch, cervical hormone ring, or hormone IUD. . . . . i told her that i didn't want to introduce any unneeded hormones into my body. . . . . . .and that left the diaphragm. . . . .she smiled broadly and agreed that it was the best option for me, and we bonded a bit, woman to woman. . . . . she set about inserting different sizes and finally settled on one that would provide the most protection and comfort for me. . . . .she asked if i knew how to use one. . . . . .i smiled and said. . . . it's been 23 years, but yes, i remember it well, we laughed. . . . . .i really liked her. . . . . .the diaphragm wasn't even on the birth control options chart. . . .we both laughed. . ..ALOT. . . . and i told her that i felt old. . . . . we giggled some more and she left smiling

on to the blood draw, about 3.5 hours since we enetred the clinic. . . . . . i had been growing incrfeasingly concerned about N and his time away from work after the first hour, and i knew he was getting panicked, but i told him to please go after his testing, which was far quicker than mine. . . . . . he refused. . . . . . .wanting to see it through with me. . . . . he is a love. . . . . .and i knew i would have to do some damage control for him after, but knew that it would work out

the short, tired flabotomist came to collect me after a time and took me back to her room. . . . . i was 2 for 2 in connecting with the women who were taking care of me, and i planned on also leaving her with some humor and smiles. . . . i was successful. . . . . having much the same conversation with her, she immediately warmed up to me. . . . .and we discussed the recent resurgence of HIV in the young kids and the gay men (HIV roulette-where one person in the room has hiv and all proceed to have anonymous bareback sex) WTF people. . . . . . we rolled our eyes and got to it. . . . .she was great at her job, and we parted warmly, and validated as with the other 2 women. . . . .

all of them thought it was unbelievably sweet and romantic that we both were there at the same time for testing. . . . .and i felt really warm about it myself. . . . . . N is a lovely, warm, and thoughtful man. . . . .

testing done. . . . . we blew to his office in the rain and his stomach in knots at being an hour and a half late back to work. . . . . i was almost overcome by what i could feel in him. . . .that sinking feeling . . . . . i just tried to calm him as we drove. . . . . .and feeling him panick a bit at the lateness. . . . .

all was well. . . . . .shit happens. . . . . .and it was medical, not just a long lunch. . . . . .we went in and he touched base and apologized and set everything right. . . . . . .

being so close to A's work, we set about having a lovely dinner together, had funny and interesting conversation, then parted for the night. . . . . .i love watching them talk together about cars, bikes, anything. . . . . both excellent communicators and both extremely intelligent and open. . .

all in all, it wound up an excellent day, and i am grateful to N for choosing to be with me through it all. . . . . .and through his stress on time. . . . .

i think on all the faces i saw today. . . . . i wish them peace, wisdom, and eventual happiness in their choices. . . . .

February 12th, 2007

apprenticing

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now i must renew my connections. . . . . those who have always offered to expand my skills of the lifestyle. . . . they will be thrilled that i have taken a boy, and he has taken me. . . . . now i must come to learn what makes him shudder and ensure i can perform those rituals safely on him. . . . . .scheduling CPR training for certification, contact Raelyn for piercing/cutting/branding training (for him as well), contact Monsieur P to brush up on quick-release rope work and Shibari. . . . go to Good Vibrations with N and A and pick out various implements. . . . .

i will be taking Monsieur P up on his offer to have formal introductions with those experts who run professional houses here and who posess expert technique. . . . . .for my beautiful boy, i will do this. . . . . knowing that everything i learn must be done to me first so my body comes to know the sensation i inflict, either at the hand of the resident expert or the guided hand of A or N. . . .it is exhilirating yet frightening at the same time. . . . . not because i don't have trust in anyone Monsieur P would do or recommend, but in my own headspace. . . . . cutting, fire, electrical, piercing. . . . . .i would willingly fall to my boy's rise and give him my trust . . . . power exchange is extremely intimate and intense, and i can see myself bowing to any desire he has, as he would for me. . . . .

A has been extremely supportive in this. . . . . last night he showed me some sites of ineteresting implements and stimulation aids he thought would be interesting. . . . .for him as well as my boy. . . . . A's renewed interest in sensory stimulation is wonderful, he has come a long way in owning his desires. . . . . .allowing me to divert my energy to N also frees A up more to explore those desires he has been simmering for years inside him. . . . . if he chooses me to take that journey with him, gently and porposefully, i am here for him as i always have been. . . . . .and he accepts that i crave N for my own desires. . . . . .

and now, i will sort through implements that i had lost hope in ever weilding. . . . .gaining consensus as to which i may use with N and what is reserved only for A. . . . . . and purchase duplicates of those that i had come to use with expertise. . . . .and discovering new implements that have come out while i was in limbo. . . .

i am. . . . .giddy and shaking with anticipation. . . . . .and i hope N is as well. . . . . . .and A just smiles and shows me more sites of merchandise that will aid us all in our quest for oneness and completeness. . . .

i am truly blessed right now. . . . . .to have 2 wonderful men in my life, finally . . . . one will call me wife this year. . . . one will call me lover, Ma'am, Mistress, girl. . . . . .i am just me. . . . . .offering to them everything that i am, and everything that i will be. . . . .

i have much work to be done. . . . . . .and i seek it out joyfully. . . . . .my fears that N will dissipate into thin air being quelled with each day. . . .

February 11th, 2007

i have a boy, and he has me

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we spent the weekend together. . . . . he met a few close friends that have become our family over the years, and yet to meet P when he comes back from Europe. . . . . .i didn't explain to our friends, just intruduced him as a friend and left it at that. . . . .our friends are bright, and know about the nature of our relationship and have put the picture together i am sure. . . . .and they just accept it, that's what i love about them, but i also know from last year's debaucle, that they are very protective over me. . . . .

dinner with them last night went very well. . . . . bless his heart, he tried to keep up with all the conversations that go on at once. . . . each of us giving him a bit of back-story about whatever we were talking and laughing about. . . . . . that's what i love about our friends, thae are always quick to laugh and smile. . . . .and he joined right in with us when he could. . . . .

we talked for days. . . .about everything. . . . .anything. . . . .past relationships, family, experiences, music. . . . .we laughed alot, i enjoy that about him very much. . . . he is quick to laugh and smile. . . .he fit in well with our odd mixture of disparate personalities that are our tight, trusted, and loved group of friends. . . .

his presence is very calming and non-threatening to A. . . . .and the fact that he can talk candidly and knowingly about topics that A is interested in was such a great thing to see. . . . . .motorcycles, cars, food, software, hardware. . . . . anything, and wants to know about those subjects that he hasn't been exposed to. . . . .

i really can't beileve how wonderful it was to have him around. . . . . i didn't want him to leave, and he didn't want to go. . . . . but the reality of work rears it's head, and we all prepare tonight for another work week of software hell. . . . .

i remember when Browdy told me he had found a great girl last year. . . . i was so damn happy for him. . . . .and i was so hopeful by how happy he was at The Love Parade, that there was also hope for me. . . . . . .and Alabastard and his lovely Dragon. . . . .and even Mike is moving to Connecticut to be with a girl that he grooves with. . . . .i was so happy to see them all finally happy. . . . . .

i am so goddamned happy in the part of my life that had been wanting for so long. . . . . . i can't wait to meet those people in his life that are important to him. . . . .i want to write so much more. . . . . i am going to refrain, he is a very private person, and i am respecting that. . . .

he is my boy. . . .all mine, completely and totally. . . . .i am sure the swiftness with which he admitted that takes him aback, but then again. . . . .he never met me before. . . . .and the imersion in each other this past week seemed to settle a majority of the initial misgivings we originally had. . . . .

we have come a long way in a week, and we have leagues ahead of us to explore. . . .

chid ananda rupah. . . . shivohammmmmm. . . . . . (i am consciousness, i am bliss. . . .i am Shiva)

February 8th, 2007

i finally found someone. . . .or they found me. . . . .

not the Italian, not the Brazilian, not a few others i had casually been considering intellectually. . . . . . a chance meeting on CL. . . . . i responded to his ad because something in his words hit home within me. . . it started as a casual philosophical discussion about people, need, lonliness, and lies. . . . . . .

he was thoughtful, erudite, funny, pragmatic, Taurus. . . . . .something about him kept me returning his email responses. . . . .it was his search for understanding about the nature of people. . . . . .not just pointless whining about being lonely with no impetus to finding out the cause. . . . . . his words struck something in me. . . . .a familiarity. . . . .and understanding on my part. . . . . .i knew his need. . . . .knew what drove him. . . . .because i was him. . . . .

i am more of a pragmatist myself, by nurture. . . . but it is not my complete inherent nature necessarily. . . .i am a dreamer, impulsive. . . . .spontaneous, passionate, all encompassing, open, honest, joyous. . . . . . .but from history, i have learned that not everyone is like me. . . .and that continually puzzles me at a deeper level. . . though i can intellectually understand that people, in general are fearful, and all of our ails as a society and a species stem from this fear. . . . . . .i am continually disappointed when people lie to me. . . . . .

as the discussion continued. . . .it became more personal. . . . .citing personal observations and flowing into personal history . . . .as each hour passed we dropped deeper into ourselves and each other. . . . .sharing more and more. . . . . both of us hesitant yet having nothing to lose, compelled and intrigued. . . . .we dropped another level. . . . . .each time, a slight dizzying feeling as questions were asked and answered, clarity sought. . . . .clarity gained. . . . .deeper understanding and deeper levels. . . . . we descended. . . .and at the same time. . . . .something is me started to rise. . . . . hope. . . . ripping its way out of me because there is no other way for me to be. . . . . like getting on a rollercoaster. . . . . you start the process and must follow it to it's conclusion. . . . . i knew early on that if i shifted my perception slightly. . . . the bar would come down and i would be comitted to the ride. . . . .

more to come on this. . . . .i am depleted and must renew myself from a few weeks of sickness

January 10th, 2007

"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
~Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790), Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759

sources:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/01/04/bush.mail.ap/index.html
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/01/04/politics/main2330382.shtml
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2003508676_mail04.html

blinded by media and technology, we go about our day to day lives and don't even realize that our essential constitutional rights are gone with this administration. . . . . .

the Apple iPhone is all the buzz today. . . . but what should be of critical concern is that our commander in cheif just took another freedom away from us in the past 2 weeks. . . . .the privacy of our postal mail. . . . .

per his signing statement attached to a recent postal reform bill, the federal government claims it can now open US mail without a warrant. . . . they claim that there isn't any new authority and that it doesn't change the scope of the original law. . . . . needless to say we have general parity in the 2 parties in the outrage about this shedding of accountability. . . . and the Senate is supposed to be looking into this action. . . .

our phones are monitored (and, if there is a gps -on or off-, you CAN be traced-they are able to track you without your knowledge), anything we do online is monitored, our postal mail. . . . . .tell me. . . . .we are such technology junkies. . . . and it cuts both ways. . . . . .

sure, the iPhone is fucking cool. . . . . .but what about our constitution. . .

'WE the people' have started a decline into a police state and we are too busy to notice it. . . . . and we let it happen. . . . .

December 21st, 2006

the wedding preliminaries

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introspective
i fail to post most times because they are snippets of things in my head. . . . but here i will document those that have been swimming around as this year comes to a close and a new one faces. . .

Al and i plan to finally tie the knot on August 12 2007. . . . .it's been 14 years, about time, but i am not starting over in counting, far too many years, blood, sweat, tears, laughter, work, and love put in to start again. . .

we have reserved the Club for the entire event, pricey but worth it considering all of the logistics that are inclusive with a minimum of 70 guests, champagne, open bar, hours dourves, full 4 course seated meal with palette cleansers between, dance floor, cake, everything . . . general membership is exclusive by invitation only, we were lucky enough to have been invited and sponsored in in the first few months of moving here. . . .the food is exquisite, the service is elegant, the staff is wonderful. . . . . .the Club is located in the penthouse of the tallest building in San Jose and sports an equally impressive 360 view on it's patios. . . .we will have the entire Club to ourselves that evening. . . . . .

i have toured and booked a block of rooms in a new boutique hotel, Hotel Montgomery one block away from the Club. . . . quite a coup considering that the San Jose Jazz Festival will be that weekend and the event is partially staged directly in front of the hotel and Club. . . . .i couldn't have planned it better. . . .the Jazz fest is an amazing gig to attend, and I am so glad that my guests and family will have the chance to see the great artists that are booked every year. though the hotel is pricey, the rate we negotiated is great, and i know that the amenities offered there are quite luxurious and up to par for some of my more wealthy family members. i will also arrange for some personal touches in the rooms beforehand to personalize the event for them.

all in all it will cost alot of money, but it will be THE party of my life with Alix, and celebrating our family and friends. . . .

being a designer, i am making all of the cards and invitations by hand. . . . . .will have the cakes made to mirror the main design, am having our dear friend and acclaimed ceramicist/artist make the custom centerpieces for each table. . . . . a wonderful photographer and colleague of Al's graciously agreed to shoot the wedding, and The Avant Groove, a 3 piece jazz trio, and good friends, will play the wedding and all seated for dinner as well. . . . . .a grand affair for sure. . . . . .there will be custom folders in each room containing area events, shopping, dining, and entertainment as well as San Jose event cards giving them access to different cultural events, and hopefully, i can prepay for everyone for the Jazz Fest as well. . . . .it's only money. . . . . and we love them all. . . .
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